[H]MSKing's Mafias

MSKing's Mafias:

With all the hype about the trenchcoat mafia, I got annoyed and, while riding the bus (if you see me on the bus, sitting by myself laughing...well...something like this is probably being born in my skull. Run the other way or at least sit as far from me as possible.), I made this up. Read on and learn about other mafias, perhaps more dangerous than the real thing, perhaps not.

Lime Jell-o:

If you thought people were actually eating all the lime jell-o that stores sell, well, you were mistaken. Lime Jell-o mafia members worship the stuff. Literally. As in elaborate ceremonies involving the jiggly green stuff wherein carrot gratings, cottage cheese, and pineapple find their way into strange places. Members can be recognized by their frequent purchases of lime jell-o and the green tint of their skin. They're harmless, but you really don't want to know...

Picket:

A member of the picket mafia will protest anything. As a child, they may join in on boycotting the cafeteria food (cruel and unusual punishment) or refuse to kick the ball in P.E. (abuse of something that cannot defend itself). As an adult, they come equipped with a white board picket sign for fast changes in protest. Members of the picket mafia are very involved in their community. They also have very strong legs.
Theme Song: "It's Not Fair"
Motto: Worthy causes need signs.

Paper People:

These people are known for documenting everything. They have forms for eating breakfast, buying shoes, even picking their nose. You name it; they've got a paper trail for it. Paper people may also have a filing cabinet or two to store their papers (as long as they keep the receipt, copies of their credit statement, and photographs of the filing cabinet and cashier person).

When together, members have timed competitions to see who can document the fastest. The winner gets to fill out a questionnaire on how it feels to be the fastest. Generally considered harmless...unless you're a tree.
Motto: If it's not written down, it never happened.

Fashion Disaster:

Contrary to popular belief, members of this mafia are not the fashion disasters. In fact, they are on the cutting edge of fashion and can quickly tell you what colors are "in" this season. Members spend their time pointing out fashion disasters to each other and shopping. They can be recognized by the fact that they're pointing at your "totally yesterday!" outfit and laughing (also, they are wearing clothes that a normal person wouldn't be seen dead in). Harmless unless you're a weak-minded individual who needs approval from complete strangers in order to live.
Motto: In today, disaster tomorrow. Scan-dal-LOUS!

Treadmill:

A group of people who never quite got over the trauma of running in circles during Physical Education. Taking the pointless exercise of running and getting nowhere even further, they start running on treadmills. Extreme cases even run in place while waiting in check out lines. Members are often seen in gym shorts and a standard white T-shirt/tank. While not dangerous, their attempts to get you to run with them may end in a violent death...theirs.
Theme Song: "Getting Nowhere Fast"
Motto: Exercise is good for you!

Tree Hugger:

Members of this mafia have a real love for trees and express it often by hugging them and marching back in forth carrying signs made of wood. Recognized by the fact that they're hugging a tree, chaining themselves to a tree or mobbing a bulldozer (which is why they could also be called the Bulldozer Mafia). Tree huggers are only dangerous when you get between them and a tree that needs a hug.

The size of this mafia is unknown. Attempts to count them when they're hugging trees leads to people complaining that they were just humping or doing other kinky things to the tree and are not actually members.
Theme Song: Trees need hugs too.

Remote Control:

As with all remote control possessives, remote control mafia members are extremely dangerous when their control over the remote is challenged. They all tend to have a universal remote and a collection of obsolete remotes--for sentimental reasons, of course. Members channel surf relentlessly and may even practice surfing while watching a video tape. A person is definetly a member if they have a tattoo of a remote somewhere on their body or if they know the mafia's secret handshake (which involves a remote control).

During member gatherings, they have competitions such as wrestling for the remote and who can surf through all the channels the fastest. The winner of the RCM Championship gets to take home the Golden Remote for a year. It is rumored that the Golden Remote can change the channel of a TV from up to three miles away!
Motto: Commercials are for sissies.

Lighter:

Members have large collections of lighters and a stockpile of lighter fluid in their cabinets. They can discuss different brands of lighters and the purity of their lighter fluid for hours. Lighter mafia members like to see how long it takes for something to catch on fire and burn. They can usually be identified by the constant smell of burnt plastic that follows them everywhere and the lighter on their person. Members are only dangerous if they are trying to see how long it takes you to catch on fire or if you inadvertently pocket their fire.
Theme Song: "Does It Burn, Does It Burn"

Windbreaker:

Members can usually be found at touristy spots wearing their obscenely bright jackets. The windbreakers are used to conceal the lollipops they carry around to give to little children. Windbreaker mafia members are infatuated with Road Dahl's book, The Witches. The lollipops they give out tend to change children into paintings, slugs, street signs, and other such things. They can be identified by their windbreakers and the strange devices they wear to stretch out their nostrils. Luckily, they are usually only a danger to children. (However, the occasional greedy adult who 'steals candy from little babies' may also fall prey to them.)
Theme Song: "Children Stink"

Smelly:

You'll know them when you smell them. A smelly mafia member is usually not unbathed smelly, but too-much-perfume/cologne smelly. The only danger is the extreme nausea these people produce in others. This nausea can result in drunken behavior, headaches, or berserker rages that often result in a smelly mafia member's death. Members often get together to exchange the names of particularly smelly perfumes/colognes. While they prefer perfumes and colognes, a smelly mafia member will roll around in something dead if nothing else can be found.
Motto: Why use a drop when a gallon will do?

Mother's Back:

Are a group of people who--for some reason or other--dislike their mother. They also believe (and you may judge if this is charmingly childish or superstitiously idiotic) that stepping on cracks will indeed break their mother's back. Members often get together with their sledge hammers and thoughtfully make more cracks in sidewalks.

Recognized by the fact that they are hopping up and down on a sidewalk crack screaming obscenities. They are dangerous only when you get between them and a particularly good crack. However, steer clear from them during a hopping session or you may get hit by an out flung arm. They also get mad if mistaken for a Raving Lunatic Mafia member who will sport a ring of foam about their mouth that is quite distinctive.

Bubble Wrap:

These people have read all the reports about how soothing popping bubble wrap is. Being the kind people they are, they bring their bubble wrap with them everywhere and thrust the snappy stuff at complete strangers while urging them to relax. They are only considered dangerous when they've run out of bubble wrap to pop. They can be identified by the bubble wrap they have around them or their reactions when people try to throw out perfectly good stress relievers.

Weiner:

Well known for their rousing renditions of the Oscar Meir Wiener song, the wiener mafia has gained world-wide renown for its famous Wiener Choir. A choir which only sings one song (two guesses what that is ;p). Wiener mafia members are often heard discussing the size, juiciness, flavor, and plumpness of various wieners.
Theme Song: "I Wish I Were an Oscar Meir Weiner"

Anarchy:

Replete with secret hand shakes, signals, and a burning desire to shoot-everything-that-moves-when-the-time-comes, the anarchy mafia is basically harmless to those outside its organization. This is because the anarchy mafia swings between the two extremes of killing its leaders because they represent order and following them with mindless devotion. During the times when it actually has a leader, workshops are available that teach members things like bird calls, the "We Hate Society" song, and how to make a really big bomb (that sometimes works) using common bomb-making materials in ten minutes or less.
Theme Song: "We Hate Society"
Motto: Society really, really sucks a whole lot..

Star Wars:

Poor, quite mad creatures that claim to worship the movie series Star Wars. They get together in things called "Star Wars Conventions" and hatch their evil plots to slaughter/conquer something or other. Can be identified by their ability to quote obscenely long passages from the movies with complete accuracy (including inflections), odd makeup, belief in "the Force," and, in some cases, lustful thoughts concerning Obi-Wan Kenobi. Often seen carting around plastic light sabers that they use to duel each other with. Be warned: These plastic sabers are only a cover-up for the day when they will do whatever they are planning on doing and they break out the real things.

Wasp:

Also known as the 'It's a wasp!' Mafia. Will scream, squeal, leap about, wave their arms, jump on people, or sit frozen in place and silently wet their pants whenever a "wasp" is nearby. Can be identified by their deathly fear of any flying (and sometimes not), yellow and black (and sometimes not) insect. Sometimes the insects they fear are actually wasps. These people seem harmless until their bony elbow comes into contact with you. Their piercing screeches are rather hazardous as well.

Etiquette:

This mafia has been around about as long as the rubber mallet. The Etiquette Mafia is known for taking etiquette offenders into dark alleys and giving them a thorough etiquette education--with the application of a rubber mallet or two. They are dangerous only to rude people. I am pleased to say I am an honorary member (honorary because you have to be a certain impressive height which I am not).

Tissue:

These kind souls are well-known for offering tissues to quietly (ahem) suffering snifflers everywhere. Can be identified by the packets of tissues they always have on their person(s).

Nose Picker:

The people of this mafia are well known for picking their noses. Membership is always changing as members grow older and move on although a few individuals never leave. Can be identified by the fact that they're picking their nose.
Motto: A clean nose is a happy nose.

Clock:

This group of individuals makes it their business to ensure that no clock in any given building is synchronized with another. Can be identified by the fact that they always know what time it isn't.

Musical Chair:

Known for sneaking into rooms and carting off chairs whenever people are not sitting in them. Be cautious! They can get extremely violent if you sit in the chair they want. Can be identified by their extreme affection for chairs and a tendency to constantly turn music on and off.

Bad Poetry:

People who insist on writing bad poetry and go around spouting it in very loud voices. These people usually band together for safety from disgruntled listeners. Considered to be generally harmless although some people have been hurt when someone misses a shot them.

Hermit:

Arguments have been made that the hermit mafia cannot really be a mafia because its members will have nothing to do with one another. After rigorous campaigning by the Picket Sign Mafia, the hermits were allowed this special status. If only someone could get close enough to tell them about it.

Members of the hermit mafia can be recognized by the sight of their retreating backside and their peculiar hermit scent which ranges in description from "tangy" to "foul."

Plumbing:

This clever group haunts the deepest hours of the night, sneaking into houses and unplugging everything from a clogged toilet to a clogged nose. Easily recognizable for they carry toilet plungers with them wherever they go.

Hail Mary:

Known for walking around being very pious and hailing girls named Mary. Purpose unknown.
Motto: Hail, Mary!

Beanie Baby:

A group of people who amass large amounts of bean-stuffed toys and never love them at all. Can be identified by the dust on said toys as well as the tags still attached to their ears.
Motto: It will be valuable someday!

Bubblegum:

Innocent as they may sound, this pack of humans mean trouble. They chew bubblegum to strengthen their jaws for biting. It is prophesized that with the dawning of the new millennium, the great BiteMaster will come and The Great Biting will begin. All those who are not of the Bubblegum Mafia will get their asses bit.

Barbie Head:

This celebrated group of individuals are known for their habit of decapitating barbie dolls and using their heads to decorate their environment. Not to be mistaken for the Barbie Hangers.

Barbie Hanger:

People who practice building gallows and hanging their barbies from them. Every year they have a great barbie hanging convention where they get together and hang their barbies in competitions. The winner is the person who makes the best sound effects for their dying barbie. Not to be mistaken for the Barbie Heads.

MSKing's Mafias: With all the hype about the trenchcoat mafia, I got annoyed and, while riding the bus (if you see me on the bus, sitting by myself laughing...well...something like this is probably being born in my skull. Run the other way or at least sit as far from me as possible.), I made this up. Read on and learn about other mafias, perhaps more dangerous than the real thing, perhaps not. Lime Jell-o: If you thought people were actually eating all the lime jell-o that stores sell, well, you were mistaken. Lime Jell-o mafia members worship the stuff. Literally. As in elaborate ceremonies involving the jiggly green stuff wherein carrot gratings, cottage cheese, and pineapple find their way into strange places. Members can be recognized by their frequent purchases of lime jell-o and the green tint of their skin. They're harmless, but you really don't want to know... Picket: A member of the picket mafia will protest anything. As a child, they may join in on boycotting the cafeteria food (cruel and unusual punishment) or refuse to kick the ball in P.E. (abuse of something that cannot defend itself). As an adult, they come equipped with a white board picket sign for fast changes in protest. Members of the picket mafia are very involved in their community. They also have very strong legs. Theme Song: "It's Not Fair" Motto: Worthy causes need signs. Paper People: These people are known for documenting everything. They have forms for eating breakfast, buying shoes, even picking their nose. You name it; they've got a paper trail for it. Paper people may also have a filing cabinet or two to store their papers (as long as they keep the receipt, copies of their credit statement, and photographs of the filing cabinet and cashier person). When together, members have timed competitions to see who can document the fastest. The winner gets to fill out a questionnaire on how it feels to be the fastest. Generally considered harmless...unless you're a tree. Motto: If it's not written down, it never happened. Fashion Disaster: Contrary to popular belief, members of this mafia are not the fashion disasters. In fact, they are on the cutting edge of fashion and can quickly tell you what colors are "in" this season. Members spend their time pointing out fashion disasters to each other and shopping. They can be recognized by the fact that they're pointing at your "totally yesterday!" outfit and laughing (also, they are wearing clothes that a normal person wouldn't be seen dead in). Harmless unless you're a weak-minded individual who needs approval from complete strangers in order to live. Motto: In today, disaster tomorrow. Scan-dal-LOUS! Treadmill: A group of people who never quite got over the trauma of running in circles during Physical Education. Taking the pointless exercise of running and getting nowhere even further, they start running on treadmills. Extreme cases even run in place while waiting in check out lines. Members are often seen in gym shorts and a standard white T-shirt/tank. While not dangerous, their attempts to get you to run with them may end in a violent death...theirs. Theme Song: "Getting Nowhere Fast" Motto: Exercise is good for you! Tree Hugger: Members of this mafia have a real love for trees and express it often by hugging them and marching back in forth carrying signs made of wood. Recognized by the fact that they're hugging a tree, chaining themselves to a tree or mobbing a bulldozer (which is why they could also be called the Bulldozer Mafia). Tree huggers are only dangerous when you get between them and a tree that needs a hug. The size of this mafia is unknown. Attempts to count them when they're hugging trees leads to people complaining that they were just humping or doing other kinky things to the tree and are not actually members. Theme Song: Trees need hugs too. Remote Control: As with all remote control possessives, remote control mafia members are extremely dangerous when their control over the remote is challenged. They all tend to have a universal remote and a collection of obsolete remotes--for sentimental reasons, of course. Members channel surf relentlessly and may even practice surfing while watching a video tape. A person is definetly a member if they have a tattoo of a remote somewhere on their body or if they know the mafia's secret handshake (which involves a remote control). During member gatherings, they have competitions such as wrestling for the remote and who can surf through all the channels the fastest. The winner of the RCM Championship gets to take home the Golden Remote for a year. It is rumored that the Golden Remote can change the channel of a TV from up to three miles away! Motto: Commercials are for sissies. Lighter: Members have large collections of lighters and a stockpile of lighter fluid in their cabinets. They can discuss different brands of lighters and the purity of their lighter fluid for hours. Lighter mafia members like to see how long it takes for something to catch on fire and burn. They can usually be identified by the constant smell of burnt plastic that follows them everywhere and the lighter on their person. Members are only dangerous if they are trying to see how long it takes you to catch on fire or if you inadvertently pocket their fire. Theme Song: "Does It Burn, Does It Burn" Windbreaker: Members can usually be found at touristy spots wearing their obscenely bright jackets. The windbreakers are used to conceal the lollipops they carry around to give to little children. Windbreaker mafia members are infatuated with Road Dahl's book, The Witches. The lollipops they give out tend to change children into paintings, slugs, street signs, and other such things. They can be identified by their windbreakers and the strange devices they wear to stretch out their nostrils. Luckily, they are usually only a danger to children. (However, the occasional greedy adult who 'steals candy from little babies' may also fall prey to them.) Theme Song: "Children Stink" Smelly: You'll know them when you smell them. A smelly mafia member is usually not unbathed smelly, but too-much-perfume/cologne smelly. The only danger is the extreme nausea these people produce in others. This nausea can result in drunken behavior, headaches, or berserker rages that often result in a smelly mafia member's death. Members often get together to exchange the names of particularly smelly perfumes/colognes. While they prefer perfumes and colognes, a smelly mafia member will roll around in something dead if nothing else can be found. Motto: Why use a drop when a gallon will do? Mother's Back: Are a group of people who--for some reason or other--dislike their mother. They also believe (and you may judge if this is charmingly childish or superstitiously idiotic) that stepping on cracks will indeed break their mother's back. Members often get together with their sledge hammers and thoughtfully make more cracks in sidewalks. Recognized by the fact that they are hopping up and down on a sidewalk crack screaming obscenities. They are dangerous only when you get between them and a particularly good crack. However, steer clear from them during a hopping session or you may get hit by an out flung arm. They also get mad if mistaken for a Raving Lunatic Mafia member who will sport a ring of foam about their mouth that is quite distinctive. Bubble Wrap: These people have read all the reports about how soothing popping bubble wrap is. Being the kind people they are, they bring their bubble wrap with them everywhere and thrust the snappy stuff at complete strangers while urging them to relax. They are only considered dangerous when they've run out of bubble wrap to pop. They can be identified by the bubble wrap they have around them or their reactions when people try to throw out perfectly good stress relievers. Weiner: Well known for their rousing renditions of the Oscar Meir Wiener song, the wiener mafia has gained world-wide renown for its famous Wiener Choir. A choir which only sings one song (two guesses what that is ;p). Wiener mafia members are often heard discussing the size, juiciness, flavor, and plumpness of various wieners. Theme Song: "I Wish I Were an Oscar Meir Weiner" Anarchy: Replete with secret hand shakes, signals, and a burning desire to shoot-everything-that-moves-when-the-time-comes, the anarchy mafia is basically harmless to those outside its organization. This is because the anarchy mafia swings between the two extremes of killing its leaders because they represent order and following them with mindless devotion. During the times when it actually has a leader, workshops are available that teach members things like bird calls, the "We Hate Society" song, and how to make a really big bomb (that sometimes works) using common bomb-making materials in ten minutes or less. Theme Song: "We Hate Society" Motto: Society really, really sucks a whole lot.. Star Wars: Poor, quite mad creatures that claim to worship the movie series Star Wars. They get together in things called "Star Wars Conventions" and hatch their evil plots to slaughter/conquer something or other. Can be identified by their ability to quote obscenely long passages from the movies with complete accuracy (including inflections), odd makeup, belief in "the Force," and, in some cases, lustful thoughts concerning Obi-Wan Kenobi. Often seen carting around plastic light sabers that they use to duel each other with. Be warned: These plastic sabers are only a cover-up for the day when they will do whatever they are planning on doing and they break out the real things. Wasp: Also known as the 'It's a wasp!' Mafia. Will scream, squeal, leap about, wave their arms, jump on people, or sit frozen in place and silently wet their pants whenever a "wasp" is nearby. Can be identified by their deathly fear of any flying (and sometimes not), yellow and black (and sometimes not) insect. Sometimes the insects they fear are actually wasps. These people seem harmless until their bony elbow comes into contact with you. Their piercing screeches are rather hazardous as well. Etiquette: This mafia has been around about as long as the rubber mallet. The Etiquette Mafia is known for taking etiquette offenders into dark alleys and giving them a thorough etiquette education--with the application of a rubber mallet or two. They are dangerous only to rude people. I am pleased to say I am an honorary member (honorary because you have to be a certain impressive height which I am not). Tissue: These kind souls are well-known for offering tissues to quietly (ahem) suffering snifflers everywhere. Can be identified by the packets of tissues they always have on their person(s). Nose Picker: The people of this mafia are well known for picking their noses. Membership is always changing as members grow older and move on although a few individuals never leave. Can be identified by the fact that they're picking their nose. Motto: A clean nose is a happy nose. Clock: This group of individuals makes it their business to ensure that no clock in any given building is synchronized with another. Can be identified by the fact that they always know what time it isn't. Musical Chair: Known for sneaking into rooms and carting off chairs whenever people are not sitting in them. Be cautious! They can get extremely violent if you sit in the chair they want. Can be identified by their extreme affection for chairs and a tendency to constantly turn music on and off. Bad Poetry: People who insist on writing bad poetry and go around spouting it in very loud voices. These people usually band together for safety from disgruntled listeners. Considered to be generally harmless although some people have been hurt when someone misses a shot them. Hermit: Arguments have been made that the hermit mafia cannot really be a mafia because its members will have nothing to do with one another. After rigorous campaigning by the Picket Sign Mafia, the hermits were allowed this special status. If only someone could get close enough to tell them about it. Members of the hermit mafia can be recognized by the sight of their retreating backside and their peculiar hermit scent which ranges in description from "tangy" to "foul." Plumbing: This clever group haunts the deepest hours of the night, sneaking into houses and unplugging everything from a clogged toilet to a clogged nose. Easily recognizable for they carry toilet plungers with them wherever they go. Hail Mary: Known for walking around being very pious and hailing girls named Mary. Purpose unknown. Motto: Hail, Mary! Beanie Baby: A group of people who amass large amounts of bean-stuffed toys and never love them at all. Can be identified by the dust on said toys as well as the tags still attached to their ears. Motto: It will be valuable someday! Bubblegum: Innocent as they may sound, this pack of humans mean trouble. They chew bubblegum to strengthen their jaws for biting. It is prophesized that with the dawning of the new millennium, the great BiteMaster will come and The Great Biting will begin. All those who are not of the Bubblegum Mafia will get their asses bit. Barbie Head: This celebrated group of individuals are known for their habit of decapitating barbie dolls and using their heads to decorate their environment. Not to be mistaken for the Barbie Hangers. Barbie Hanger: People who practice building gallows and hanging their barbies from them. Every year they have a great barbie hanging convention where they get together and hang their barbies in competitions. The winner is the person who makes the best sound effects for their dying barbie. Not to be mistaken for the Barbie Heads.
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