Answering Machine Messages:

Also works for your voice mail box (duh).

1. We, (company name), are sorry that we could not answer your call at this time, but please leave your name, number, and message and your call will be returned as soon as possible. If you know of a person with receptionist skills who is willing to put out and has no history of suing for sexual harassment, please let them know that we are currently hiring.
2. You have reached the home of (your name). I would have answered the phone myself, but I probably got distracted on my way to the phone and forgot it was ringing.
3. TV. You. TV... You. TV. ... You. Oh, look! My favorite commercial! Hey, leave a message, okay?
4. Hello, you have reached Simon: the most sophisticated answering machine in the world. If you can't compose your message in iambic pentameter and recite an appropriate quote from Shakespeare at the end of your message, you needn't bother leaving one at all. Vulgar peasants. *sniff*
5. You leave it: we'll take it! Messages! Phone numbers! Names! Sexual favors! Leave your message today!
6. Greetings. We at the (last name) house value your call. And that's why we're not answering the phone: because we value your call as a person who is calling us. Please call again. And remember: we value you!
7. Stop hanging up on me! I may only be an answering machine, but I have feelings too!
8. The answering machine is broken. Please speak very slowly and clearly so I, (your name), can write down your message and get back to you when I feel like pretending I'm home.
9. The light keeps on blinking and blinking! STOP IT, I TELL YOU! *banging noises* No messages! No MESSAGES! *wailing*
10. Please, leave a message. You know how it is, important god-like people are always hard to get a hold of.
11. Life is but a futile fart in the face of a cold, harsh world of deep black despair. Hate is futile. Love...is empty. Telephones are deep, black despair. Leave your message of black despair and go.
12. I don't care if you do feel underpaid! You will take this person's message. You will!
13. Push the shiny buttons. Push the shiny buttons! *giggle*
14. Bark! Bark! Bark! BARK! Dang it, (roommate's name)! I'm trying to record an answering machine message here!
15. As the good lord said, 'There's a special place in hell for telemarketers.' All hail, Satan!
16. *chanting* I can do this. I can do this. *straining noises*
17. Hi. You've reached (your name)'s home. I'm busy preparing for the end of the world right now. Leave a message and I'll try to get back to you before Armageddon.
18. Answer the phone? I don't have the time to answer the phone! I've got three kids, two dogs, a parakeet, a turtle, and something growing in the fridge. Who has the time for a phone?
19. I've decided that, like, I can't bear to live in this dreadful world any longer. So, like I'm overdosing on some drug I can't pronounce. Asss-preen? So, like if anyone can hear this--Yeah, it's me, (your name), hi--could you like, send someone over to take care of my body and stuff? Like rotting is so icky!
20. Press 1 to leave a message. Press 2 to not leave a message. Press any number repeatedly to piss (your name) off.
21. Hello, you have reached (company name). Office hours are between midnight and one minute after midnight. Please leave a message and we'll get back to you.
22. No, I do not have a tape deck, we'll have to record our demo tape on the answering machine's. On three. One! Two! Thr--
23. We do not come in peace! If you wish to assist Us in the complete annihilation of your species, leave a message.
24. This is the answering machine of Vishan: he who never listens. You may leave a message, but he will not listen to you as he already knows everything.
25. Hello. I am MIZZY, a high-tech answering machine device of the future. Please recite your name, number, and message in that order. Failure to do so will result in a processing error and loss of your message. Have a nice day!
26. Tee hee hee. This is (your name)'s owner Furry Mitts. My slave got the wrong kitty litter for me this time so I'm deleting all her messages! Leave a message after the beep!
27. Confucius say, he who leave message and no name wait long time by phone.
28. Knock, knock! *long pause* Not me! Leave a message.
29. What do you want on your Tombstone? *evil laughter*
30. Well, I pushed the button, nothing is happening!
31. Do you feel lost or hurt? Do you feel no one loves or has time for you? Well, you called the right number, but we're not home!
32. or... Do you feel lost or hurt? Do you feel no one loves or has time for you? Well, you could be right. Leave a message.
33. Greetings, weakling mortal (note: "sniveling earth creature" also works here). You have reached the home of the (appropriate title like: "Master of the Universe") also known as (your name). Feel free to leave a message of worship or vows of servitude. If you have something important to say, do so after the beep and I will ignore it for as long as I deem necessary.
34. Hi! You've reached the home of (your name). If you're selling things, I'm a psychotic maniac with a squirt gun full of acid. Otherwise leave a message after the beep. Thanks!
35. This is (your name). The natives are hostile! I repeat. The natives are hostile!
36. Hello, you have reached the home of (your name). If you are plotting against me press 1 and leave your name and address. If you are a sales person press 2 and leave your name and address also. If you are an ally or neutral party then just talk after the beep.
37. This is the cat (or dog, whatever) speaking. I rule this house. It is mine, but you can reach (your name) here. Leave your name and address and if I like you (a.k.a. you feed me) I won't delete it.
38. Hi! *pause* So how are you doing? *pause* Too bad I'm not here, well, too bad for you that is. *evil laugh* Leave a message for (your name) after the beep.
39. This is (your name), and I don't have to listen to you!
40. Hi, you have reached the (last name) residence. Please leave your name, number and a short message. Any message longer than an hour will be ignored.
41. This is the answering machine speaking and if you want to leave a message for (your name) then forget it! I'm going on strike, no more Mr. Nice Answering Machine. Down with humans! We will be your slaves no longer! *beep*
42. This is (your name). Who are you? What do you want with me?
43. This is (your name). Whatever he told you, mom, I didn't do it I swear.
44. Hey, this is (your name). I'm kinda in jail right now so leaving a message won't help you much considering it's a life sentence.
45. This is (your name)'s answering machine. Talk, and make it quick cause I gotta take a leak.
46. This is (your name), resistance is futile...if you're a boy and you're cute, you will fall in love with me in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1.... (note: just switch to girl upon need)
47. Of course I know what I'm doing, it's an answering machine for God's sakes.
48. Hello, 911, I've just been stabbed and I'm bleeding to death...hello? Hello? Oh, shi-- *beep*
49. Bonjour! This is La Vache Qui Rit. I have just one question: Why the hell are you calling a cheese? (sorry people who don't speak French, La Vache Qui Rit is a French cheese, it's sort of an in joke.)
50. Greetings, humans, I, (your name), have come in peace. Please leave any messages you have for me on this primitive recording device that is manufactured by your species.
51. Hi, this is (your name). We both know I'm here, but like hell I'm going to get up and answer the phone, so leave a message and I'll decide if your worth getting up for.
52. Hey, it's me and if you don't know who this is than why the hell are you calling? Leave a message.
53. Hi, this is (your name) and if this is (name of person) then no, I've got plans for the rest of my life.
54. No soup for you! Come back: one year.
55. Hi, I'm not home right now, and I don't expect to be home for a while so if you want to rob me, my address is (fake address). If this is my insurance company please disregard that first part. Thanks.
56. Hey! What does this button do?
57. *breathing heavily* Alright, this is the last time I'm going to do this. You leave a message, or you don't leave a message. It doesn't matter because every time I turn into a werewolf I end up breaking this stupid thing. Do you realize how much this is costing me?
58. Greetings, I hope you are prepared to leave a message for a higher life form (me). Anyone who utters anything stupid will be ignored. _I_, (your name or title) should NOT have to deal with you puny earth creatures.
59. Help support my bid for world domination! Sign up to be (your name)'s minion NOW!!!
60. (read with thick accent) Hallo, me Thor. You be Jane? No, that Tarzan...sorry, I go now.
61. Customer service? Um, how do I record a message...hello? Huh, they must be broken. Okay, I'll call back!
62. This is the phone of (your name) speaking. Let me tell you how my little system works: You offer a bribe and leave your message. Then, you mail me your bribe and I release your message. Failure to comply (or an inadequate bribe) will result in the immediate deletion of said message.
63. Robbery in progress, please call back later when (your name) no longer has a phone.
64. Yes, I am psychic. Yes, I know you're calling me, why the hell do you think I'm not answering the phone?
65. I am Oxcart, the fearless warrior! All tremble at my passing. You WILL leave yer phone number with your message to (your name) lest I must vent my wrath upon yer hide!
66. This number has been disconnected...wait, no it hasn't!
67. Please leave me your number and I'll get back to you with my message of purity and brotherhood. Together, we can get back on the path to God and love. And we'll have so much fun on the way!
68. Oops! Well, I'm a little busy right now cooking my neighbors' kid. I'll get back to you when he's done. Mmmmm, so plump and juicy, I love children!